So, quickly: I had the stomach flu for the whole first week out of school due to a baby that I was babysitting on 2 Friday's ago. The mother didn't bother to tell me the baby had baby diarrhea till she was LITERALLY walking out the door. It was miserable.

So I bought not one, but two Louis Vuitton's yesterday. It was such a rush. There is a lady in my area and she has trunk shows of flawed designer bags and jewelry, and I asked her if I could come by and see them and she brought them all to my house and I went crazy. I got a purse from the Damien Ebene collection, and then a wallet clutch from the Monogram Vernis collection (it's in red). I felt a little buyers remorse, but now I'm SO happy I got them. Yes, yes I know I sound like a bitch, so I'm just going to shut the fuck up now.

It's almost new years, and I don't know what my resolution is. To lose weight? I can't. I mean I really don't want to go back to how I was. Since the break, I've been eating normally. I mean like not thinking about the next meal, eating when I'm hungry, I've eaten Cherry Berry two days in a row (but that doesn't count cause it's healthy and non fat) I haven't really been that hungry, I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks. It feels amazing. And I haven't gained any weight (knocking on wood). So, I could make a resolution to get a job, save money, or, the one I have every year, to do everything possible to make my dreams come true. I tried to reword that last one like twenty times but that's all I could come up with.

So, Happy New Year. Make out with strangers. Watch 500 Days of Summer 500 times. And take a bath and light candles.

HJGSIOBNSJKGHSUFH!!! ^

HTHSHFJGSJURSTJR!!! ^

I don't know why there's so many Pinkberry pictures. But I'm not against it.

Is it only Tuesday? Feels like Friday.

I went back to the doctor today about my migraines. Did he give me medicine to take daily like I hopes he would so that I could start dieting again? No. He gave me a piece of fuck to "abort" the migraines when they happen. Which I'm glad to have SOMETHING, but come on dude, you ruined my plans. Apparently I'm 'hypoglycemic' so I "can't not eat or I'll get migraines." Then he asked me about my progress in eating the past month and I said, "Well I've been eating 500 more calories than usual." Just bein' honest you know. Not asking for his input on my life, he says, "Why on Earth are you counting calories?"

Bitch. Why do you think?

And of course he gave me the mandatory doctor statement, "I don't care what's in the magazines.." Bitch, I would be in the magazines. Clearly, you don't care about that. I do. I care about weighing 122 pounds when I should weigh (at the most) 115 lbs. I CARE. He gave me an ultimatum and told me that I either eat for my health, or not eat and have migraines. 

Honestly, you wanna know what my answer is?

Not eat.

I've been eating normally for over one month and it is KILLING ME. I hate it almost more than the migraines. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to food, I'm Rachel Ray. But when it comes to consuming, I'm Kate Moss. How the fuck am I going to do this? I got so upset last night that I couldn't even force myself to work out. Working out is only going to maintain my weight. Eating normally is only going to maintain my weight. How the fuck am I going to do this? I want to go back to eating 800 calories. I was 117 this summer and now I'm 122. Five pounds.

Oh! And the worst part about this isn't that he told me to eat, it's that he tried to tell me that I don't really have an eating disorder. He asked about why I count calories and "what's going on with that?" The room got silent and I said really softly, "I have kind of a.. disorder.. Kind of thing.." He said, "You don't have an eating disorder. Because you just admitted it to me. You just told me. So you don't have an eating disorder." .. I wanted to just scream at him: "You know what the fuck I did last night? I spent 10 minutes huttled over the toilet purging up the frozen yogurt I ate. I look forward to the migraines sometimes because I get an excuse to throw up. I've been working my ass off on the treadmill every night to burn off everything I ate. I can't eat something without being afraid of it living on the back of my thighs. I wake up and my day revolves around how many calories I'm going to eat today and when I'm going to workout. I know you are a pediatrician but you know NOTHING about eating disorders."

But I didn't.

And Aliza hasn't called me once since my last post.

When will I be able to tell people how I feel? When will I be able to stand at Aliza's door and ask her why she gave up on out friendship? When will I get the chance to show her who I really am and ask her why she doesn't notice me anymore? When will I write a letter to my father telling him everything I think about him. And how much he ruined my fucking life, and how much I don't care that he ruined my fucking life because one day, I'll be okay. When will I be able to tell Kansas that I'm in love with him and that I've been in love with him since I first saw him playing basketball in his driveway when we drove by in a movers truck 6 years ago? And when the fuck am I going to be able to walk up to McKenzie's table at lunch and ask her why the fuck she doesn't care about our friendship? More like our 'sisterhood' if you will. When will I be able to tell Karoline that I don't want to hear her talk about her intamacy with her boyfriend? Fuck.

Ironically, as I was typing this, Aliza sent me a text message.

Just asked if she wanted to rent Gossip Girl and eat taco soup... Promise, her response will be no.

I sound like a real high schooler. Again. "Walk up to her lunch table.. Tell him I'm in love with him.." blah blah.

Ew.

Aliza:  "Well I have to be somewhere at 7 :/ .. Raincheck?"

Me: "I get that a lot."

It's my first step.